im not sure how i shld feel. not sure of my emotions. not sure of what im feeling. my grandmother just passed away. ive kinda been expecting it but it never actually became realistic to me. like it was just something in my mind. but now that it has become reality. im not sure how i shld feel. not sure of what i shld do. nver had this kinda thing happen to me before. i feel numb. there's this hollow, empty feeling in my stomach that i cant explain. memories keep coming back to me. flashes of the past. my grandmother was the one who brought me up. so in a way, she was like a second mum to me. she defended me no matter what, whether i was in the wrong or right. she loved me like no other, doted on me so much, like no one else. she was the one who believed in me all the way. was so proud of me, no matter what i did. everything i did, whatever accomplishments i had seemed to be such a big deal to her. i could just pass my chinese exam and to her it wld be like winning an oscar. if i had broken a record or smth she wld have told the whole world. im proud to call her my grandmother. cant ever find another grandmother like her. i wldnt be able to find another like her even ifi searched for a thousand years. when i was young, she wld take care of me. wait for me aft school everyday and bring me home. she wld bathe me, feed me and take care of me till my parents came to get me. so sweet. she never ever faulted me or thought i was dumb, stupid or anything. she always talked to my parents for me. always helped me out. she was there whenever i needed her. when i was little, she massaged my hands. whn she was in hospital, it wa smy turn to massage hers. yet i didnt so it. didnt fulfil my duty. feeling so guilty. so useless. im a horrible grand-daughter. didnt spend enough time with her. i should have visited her more often. i always wanted to visit her but everytime something wld come up and i wld push it back. procrastination, one of my biggest weaknesses. well. grandma, you're in a better place now. now i know i have an angel watching over me.

muchlove
princessnic ):